Hier der original MEDICAL REPORT zum Beantragen einer Arbeitserlaubnis in Botswana. Beachtet bitte besonders die disabilities unter Note1 ganz unten.
| Uebersetzungshilfe: | idiot | duerfte klar sein |
| imbecile | ein Schwachkopf sein | |
| feeble-minded | vergesslich, nicht sehr helle | |
| insanity | Wahnsinn | |
| psychopathic inferiority | psychopatisch minderwertig |
YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN JOHANNESBURG WHEN...
1. The person in front of you in traffic this morning was hijacked and you
got irritated because you missed the robot.
2. While eating dinner a news item comes on TV about a family of six
slaughtered in their home, and you ask someone to pass you the salt.
3. You never think of taxis in terms of 'public transport'.
4. You have a minimum of five worst taxi stories.
5. While waiting at the ATM the bank is robbed by armed gunmen, but you'll
be damned if you're going to lose your place in the queue.
6. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
7. The last time you drove your car without swearing at someone was when you
took your drive test.
8. It takes you an hour and a half to drive 5km to work in the morning and
you think wow, good traffic day.
9. Every time you find your car parked where you left it you are genuinely
surprised.
10. You've never been to Melville or Rockey St but love Sandton City.
11. You can get into a four-hour argument about the quickest way out of
Sunninghill after work on a Friday, but can't find Boksburg on a map.
12. Prostitutes and the homeless are invisible.
13. You've seriously considered shooting someone.
14. You have more barbed wire around your home than Diepkloof Prison.
15. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
16. You consider a postage-stamp sized patch of grass a garden.
17. You consider Midrand the 'country-side'
18. You happily pay R3500.00 a month for a townhouse in the north the size
of a cupboard, but think R2.50 for a loaf of bread is a disgrace.
19. The last time you visited the coast you paid more in accumulated
speeding fines than you did for the entire holiday.
20. Your monthly car insurance is more than most of the people in SA's car
repayments.
21. What are stars?
22. You own hiking boots and a 4WD, neither of which have ever touched dirt.
23. You actually take fashion seriously.
24. Being truly alone makes you 'go for your gun'.
25. You have 20 different menus next to your phone.
26. SA south of the Vaal is still theoretical to you.
27. You can carry R350 worth of groceries in one plastic bag.
28. You don't hear gunfire anymore.
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YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN SOUTH AFRICA WHEN:
a) Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins..
b) When illegal immigrants leave the country because the crime rate is too high..
c) The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported..
d) When a murderer gets a 2 year sentence and a pirate TV viewer 6 months..
e) The prisoners strike!
f) You can't make a phone call because the copper cables have been stolen..
g) The police stations have panic buttons to call armed response when they are burgled..
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THE ADVANTAGES OF BEING SOUTH AFRICAN
1. No need trying to keep up with the Joneses, they emigrated last week..
2. You can eat worms and half dried meat and not be considered disgusting.
3. Nothing is your fault, you can blame it all on apartheid..
4. Unrivalled job prospects for those unburdened with training, skills or experience..
5. You get to buy a new car every 3 months and the insurance company even pays for it..
6. You can experience kak service in eleven official languages..
7. Where else can you get oranges with 45% alcohol content at rugby matches?
8. It's the only country in the world where striking workers show how angry they are by dancing..
9. You're considered clumsy if you cannot: use a cellphone (without car kit), change CDs, Drink a beer and smoke, all at the same time while driving a car at 160 kph on the highway.
10.Great Eccent..
11. People mistake you for Australians..
12. Americans will never consider dropping a nuclear bomb on you because they don't know you exist..
13. If you live in Johannesburg, you get to brag about living in the most dangerous city in the world..
14. You get to carry a gun..
15. Burglar bars become a feature, and a great selling point for your house..
16. You can decorate your garden walls with barbed wire..
17. The police are the first on the scene for most major crimes, without being called....
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YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS ABOUT HOSTING THE 2004 OLYMPICS IN CAPE TOWN. IMAGINE THE HAEDLINES IN THE PRESS...
- Ethiopian pole vaulter still missing after strong South Easter Gangsters protest against refusal to participate in shooting event
- Athlete mugged while carrying Olympic torch
- Vagrant tries to enter discuss event with hubcap
- Burning taxi on signal hill to be Olympic flame
- Caterers strike at Olympic village
- Gold medals lost in security scam
- Olympic trains delayed due to cable theft
- Important Olympic documents lost in S.A. post
- Sam Shilowa claims games a capitalist plot
- 30% petrol price increase upsets Olympic budget
- S.A. wins gold, silver and bronze in Toyi-Toyi event
- 2000 Rapists and murderers released for Olympic goodwill
- Squatters occupy Olympic village
- Stadium cleared of sheep and goats before events
- Starting gun kills sprinter
- Olympic bus delayed on M2 after hitting cow
- Minister blames apartheid for chaos
- Boesak appointed trustee of Olympic fund
- Olympic games delayed - Zuma tests athletes for steroids
- Winnie Mandela to referee men's boxing
- Starting pistols stolen, replaced with A.K. 47's
- Gymnast crushed in taxi carrying 23 athletes
- COSATU complains Swedish medallist was not black.
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DIARY OF A SOUTH AFRICAN WHO MOVED TO CANADA TO GET AWAY FROM THE CRIME........
November 1st
It started snowing. The first of the season and the first real snow we
have ever seen. The wife took out buttered buns and sat by the window
watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering
the ground. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
November 2nd
We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape.
What a FANTASTIC sight! Every tree and shrub was covered with a
beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time and loved it. I
did both our driveway and sidewalk. Later, the city snowplough came along and accidentally covered
up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. But the driver smiled
and waved and I waved back and shovelled again.
November 3rd
It snowed an additional twelve centimetres last night and the
temperature has dropped to around four degrees. Several limbs on
the trees and shrubs have snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled
our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and
did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish grey.
November 4th
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon
became ice again. Bought snow tyres for both cars. Slipped on my arse in
the driveway, paid $130 for the chiropractor, but fortunately nothing
broken. More snow and ice expected.
November 5th
Still cold. Sold my wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get to
work. Slid on the guard-rail and did considerable damage to the
right quarter panel. Had another 15 centimetres of white shit last
night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shovelling in
store for me today. That damn snowplough came by twice yesterday.
November 6th
2 degrees outside! More fucking snow. Not a tree or shrub on our
property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to
keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which
tipped over and nearly burned the bloody house down. I managed to put the
flames out but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my
eyebrows and eyelashes. Car slid on the way to the hospital and was totalled.
November 7th
Mother fucking white shit keeps coming down! I have to put on all
the clothes I own just to get to the mailbox. If I ever catch that son
of a bitch that drives that fucking snowplough, I'll chew open his chest
and rip his heart out. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me
to finish shovelling, then comes down the street at about 160km/hr and
buries our driveway again. Power still off. The shithouse froze and parts
of the roof have started to cave in.
November 8th
Twelve more centimetres of fucking snow and fucking ice and fuck
knows what other kind of fucking white shit fell last night. I wounded
the fucking snowplough asshole with an icepick, but the bastard got
away. The wife has fucked off and left me. The fucking car won't start and I
think I'm going fucking snow-blind. I can't move my fucking toes, haven't
seen the fucking sun in weeks and there's more fucking snow predicted.
Wind chill is 30 fucking degrees below zero!!
November 9th
FUCK THIS .........I'M MOVING BACK TO SOUTH AFRICA
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